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Balancing Inner Conflicts Amid Life’s Challenges

Chatgpt generated image for personal reflection via a blog
AI generated Image of my life - my pet and my life at work and home

It’s been a month since a lot has been happening in my life. Ninety percent of it has to do within me—my mind, its chatter, and its mechanisms to address or handle them.

The 10% external factors are:

a. Our Buddy’s illness and then my wife falling sick due to a tropical fever, likely caused by our pets at home (given our situation, my wife takes care of him more than me or our daughters).

b. My elder daughter settling down for her three-month internship, but her statements to Mom that she will ask for work from home for a couple of days a week worry me. I told my wife, “We never approached work like this.”

c. My younger daughter is on summer vacation but is too distracted with her phone, Snapchat, and YouTube shorts. Two weeks back, I asked her how ChatGPT education is launched. I gave her a link to an article to read. Sitting next to her, I could see how she flipped through the entire article three times, as we end up doing on Insta reels using our right or left thumb. She didn’t even read a single word. I said, “At least read to build perspective.” “Hardly matters,” was her succinct reply.

I reflect: is she right? Or maybe I was wrong in my teens or early 20s. But I am careful not to preach and draw comfort from the fact that is highly irrational—I say to myself, “My elder one, who I believed had no confidence, can make it happen in changing environments without complaint; so similarly, my younger one may also.”

At work, it is overwhelming. Delegation does not work as I still follow up on every small task. But I see a business target worth striving for, and most of my time is gone in being patient to handle conflicts between colleagues and manipulative agendas. I wear a smile with lots of molten anger ready to erupt from my mouth in the form of words, like molten lava with a far-reaching impact.

Coming to the 90%, it is influenced by the 10% of the outside world I face or live in. The molten lava of words pours over to my family. I am so done with convincing at work that I get too blunt at home with my kids and wife. I am too focused on solutions and approach. I usually end up explaining the rationale for my approach. This is not going to work.

Despite being aware that everyone, at least in the family, has their right to express their perceptions and my responsibility to listen patiently, I fail to do so. I am not sure if it is due to time constraints or being too overwhelmed with more important priorities. Maybe I cannot say what I think.

Other than the external, I was tested in my efforts at meditation too. I skipped it. I also forgot if I was breathing consciously. The only comfort is I could remember my breathing in bed and felt relaxed that I was aware of it. It did stop between my mind’s chatter. But the very next moment, I tried to keep breathing even if my mind continued its gibberish chatter.

One thing I can draw comfort from was “withdrawal” or an alienated view of the present circumstances. I could still keep my worries in check as they felt overstated. The ratio that was 2:1 was now 2:0.5 or less. “Fear” did not exist. Worry was manageable.

Why did I feel this?

No idea, but maybe this is the first 20% of the stage 1 of conscious living.

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