I am back to work within 3 weeks of second surgery from a compound fracture. From Aug 16 till Oct 6, I was trying my best to be available at work. I had rejoined exactly a month back. And the injury was unexpected.
I felt when you receiving sympathy for an extended period of time you get habitual to it. Life feels so easy. But it’s false belief.
Sympathy ends soon and life returns to ‘purpose’. Everyone who shows gratitude or sympathy is either returning a past favor or expecting one in future. For some it is ‘just show-up.’ And no harm in ‘showing up’ too since emotions are too special to be felt for anyone, just anyone.
Now, I’m back in the same mode of working—highly engaged but not happy with the tasks delegated. I fail to see the rigor and ownership.
I am coming to believe that maybe I have false reading or perception about workplace and my colleagues. Am I taking things too seriously? Are there some insecurities rooted deep in my sub-consciousness?
I don’t know. My mind is racing, as if a slideshow is flashing before it, scenes changing every few milliseconds. All my efforts and beliefs in living in the present and being conscious of it are fading.
When I was recovering from my injury, lying in bed, I was always present. The pain made me live in my body, focusing my mind on the spot where I felt the pain.
I don’t feel like working. I am losing stamina. I am sleeping when I get a chance other than 8 hour sleep (lucky to have it though) but still not feeling fresh. I twist and turn when in bed.
I wake up expecting to feel energetic, but after just a few hours, I find myself missing my bed again.
My mind is overwhelmed with thoughts, mostly about work. I realize I’m not focusing on high-priority tasks because I’m too involved in every small detail, which makes me feel overworked and overengaged.
Is it that I fear failure? And maybe failure is driving me to perfection that remains a mirage for me.
My search for calmness continues. Is it that start living a life that is not ‘true’ me? My attempt at knowing myself better continues.
Good that I am in late 40s. Atleast I know it is me who matters the most. Unlike what I did in my 20s and 30s.