When Nothing Changes Yet Everything Feels Different

Isolated in crowd of thoughts

I felt swamped in a toxic work environment, overwhelmed by pointless personal agendas and rivalries.

It’s okay to an extent; one cannot expect a positive work environment at all times. But a prolonged negative atmosphere, coupled with my efforts to focus on the job at hand and mentor everyone, exhausts me.

Back home, I recall my day and feel disheartened that I couldn’t engage in fulfilling activities. I lack the motivation for personal development; everything feels futile.

For me, meditation proves ineffective. Breathing exercises, walking, and cycling offer only limited relief. I find myself trapped in a vicious cycle where my mind races with thoughts of work and personal health. I don’t feel like talking to anyone in my family. I eat and lie on the bed, mindlessly scrolling through my phone—jumping from Flipboard to Instagram to email to WhatsApp, both personal and work, and back to Instagram.

But then, after a couple of weeks, things start to improve. I’m not sure how or why. Over the weekend, I feel energized and become more active. My mood improves as I walk more steps and cycle more kilometers; my spirits are lifted. My longing to return to the hills—fit to run and jog—lifts my mood and gives me a boost of energy. In these moments, which have occurred only a few times in the last 15 months, I feel happy.

It’s strange that despite persistent worries about life, family, and work—nothing has changed—yet I feel happy.

Aren’t these feelings akin to high tides in the ocean of life? What better explanation is there?